Sorry to bother you, I've had a fantastic time, but I'm looking for the way out. Can you show me where I need to go?
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I am terribly sorry madam, there is no exit from this building.
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I don't understand. There must be a way out.
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I'm afraid not madam, we do not provide an exit for guests. Company policy.
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This is absurd. Can't I go out the way I came in?
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If you would like to fill out a complaint form, please leave your details with our assistant complaints administrator at the main reception located just left of the entrance.
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Then I shall simply leave via the entrance.
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Not possible, I'm afraid madam. Entrance only.
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You can't stop me from leaving. It is in clear violation of my human rights.
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As per company policy madam, you waived your human rights when you entered the building. They have been superceded by company guidelines, which strictly state that an exit will not be provided to guests.
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Am I expected to remain here forever?
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As per the terms and conditions of your agreement to enter the facility, you accept that there is no exit and therefore will remain in the building indefinitely. Now, if you will excuse me, I have matters to attend to.
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Now wait just a minute, I did not sign a thing. I refuse to be kept here against my will.
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Madam, nobody is keeping you here against your will. You have indicated in legal terms that you wished to enter and in turn accepted that an exit will not be provided. You are free to leave at any time, but the company cannot provide you with the means to exit.
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Exactly how did I indicate that I was aware of this situation?
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You agreed to abide by all company policies, guidelines and terms on entrance to the building. This is clearly laid out both in print and audio prior to entrance, and at information points throughout the facility.
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What would you do if I climb out of a window?
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The windows are fashioned from a reinforced perspex, which do not open or shatter. The building is ventilated by other means. Madam, I advise you against any incursion of the windows as you could risk injury to yourself or others. Our Health and Safety policies are very clear on this matter.
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If you are so serious about Health and Safety, do you have fire exits and clearly defined routes for evacuation?
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Bullet point three of our mission statement lays out that the health and safety of our guests is of utmost importance, however in the event of fire or catastrophic structural failure of the property, it has been deemed an acceptable loss that a number of guests and staff may perish under these circumstances.
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Can I create my own exit?
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You may, however damaging the structure is a primary violation of company guidelines regarding guest behaviour.
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What is the penalty for a primary violation?
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You shall incur the cost of any and all damages made to the fixtures and fittings of the property.
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So essentially, I am acting within the terms of the agreement to attempt to force my way out, but in doing so I must pay for it?
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Madam, you cannot accuse us of being unreasonable for asking you to pay for any damage you cause in the process of violating the terms of your agreement with the company.
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It shall be a small price to pay for my freedom.
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Do as you wish, madam. We like to ensure that all guests of the facility are happy in their various endeavours. However, the company cannot provide you with tools to aid your exit and would inform you that the structure is made from a reinforced compound metal that is of exceptional integrity for your own safety.
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I am going to phone my solicitor this very moment and have him debunk your farcical policies.
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Mobile phones are not allowed within the facility, madam. They interfere with delicate equipment.
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And what exactly are you going to do if I use it right now?
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I will advise you a second time of our clear guidelines on mobile phone usage and consider you in violation of a secondary policy.
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And the penalty for secondary violation?
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Your mobile phone will be rendered useless by means of localised electromagnetic pulse. I do not recommend this as it will pose a risk to your health and safety. This risk has been deemed necessary for the key goals of our mission statement.
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I absolutely cannot believe what I'm hearing. How long have you been here?
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I have been here a total of four hours today. As a member of staff, I am free to leave at any time.
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How exactly do you leave this building?
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Via the staff extraction and admission vent.
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I suppose it is a violation of my agreement to attempt to leave via the staff extraction and admission vent?
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Yes Madam. I am terribly sorry for any inconvenience you have caused yourself by agreeing to our terms.
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My so-called 'agreement' to your ludicrous terms does not alter the fact that I am a effectively a prisoner here. How can you justify holding people against their will?
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Please do not take that tone with me, madam. I have tried to answer your questions as simply as possible. There is no need to treat me like this. You are a willing participant in our activities, you are not a prisoner. Your clear understanding of our 'no exit' policy justifies our agreement to respect your decision to remain here indefinitely.
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Right. So if I accept that I have agreed to your terms, can I change my mind?
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As per our part in the agreement, you are free to change your mind at any point throughout the duration of your time here. However, this does not affect or alter the terms of the 'no exit' policy. You are free to decide to leave, but we still cannot provide you with means to exit under these circumstances.
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Is there any part of your contracts, terms, agreements, policies, mission statements, initiatives that allow me to leave this building?
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Paragraph seventeen of the voluntary guest exodus strategy states that guests may leave via the tertiary exit. A small number of questions should be answered and a qualified member of staff should be satisfied that certain conditions have been fulfilled.
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I assume you are not qualified to deliver the queries required for successful completion of the guest exodus strategy.
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I am qualified indeed madam, and as you have indicated your willingness to go ahead with the programme, I can offer you a chair while I deliver the queries required for successful completion. Are you sitting comfortably?
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If these are the conditions of my freedom, then it is the most comfortable seat in the world.
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Why did you enter our facility?
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I have had prior dealings with your company at a superficial level. We have exchanged emails on topics of little consequence, I work for an organisation with similar goals, therefore a visit to your premises was long overdue - to explore opportunities for collaboration.
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Were you fully aware of our terms upon entrance?
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You have stated that the rules of entrance were made clear to me upon arrival, however I didn't not read them closely at the time of entrance. My assumptions led me to believe that such fundamental trusts and practical facilities would be no different with your organisation. That the information was available on small information points is of no consequence, I feel ill informed of your requirements.
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Have you enjoyed your time with us?
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I admit that the time I have spent here has been among the most enjoyable experiences I have had, but any enjoyment or appreciation has been undeniably shattered by the revelation of your unreasonable conditions late into my visit.
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Will you ever return to our facility?
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If your company relaxes it's policies to allow for more successful collaboration, I can see us doing business in the future, but time will tell.
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Thank you madam. You are free to leave at any time. The tertiary exit is located somewhere on the main floor of the building, unattended.
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You mean I could have left at any time?
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Of course, but it was imperative that you find the exit yourself. The 'no exit' initiative in partnership with the guest exodus strategy ensures that guests are seeking the exit for the right reasons. This is part of a wider 'Drive towards guest excellence' initiative, one of the key strategies of our mission statement.
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This has been utterly ridiculous.
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The board of directors offer you their sincere gratitude for your valuable feedback.
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